Witty Roman Jokes - Examples from Cicero's De Oratore

"Finally, all my endeavours to become a funny guy shall not have been in vain for I have found the advice, the theory, that will help me to realise my potential."  Or so, I thought when I started to read Cicero's De Oratore about jokes [2.217-252]. However, in the very first line, Cicero's character Caesar exhibits that there's no particular theory or methodology behind being comical: “however, those who have tried to come up and teach some theory or methodology on this subject (i.e. humour), exhibited themselves so unwitty that you cannot laugh at anything else of them but their failure at being funny.” (Sed qui eius rei rationem quandum conati sunt artemque tradere, sic insulsi exstiterunt ut nihil aliud eorum nisi ipsa insulsitas rideatur.)

What is it then, that remains for us who want to acquire a good taste for humour? Well, according to Cicero, nature will be your guide and you just need to follow her (or in other words, you simply need to have a talent for it). After my initial disappointment, I did what everyone would do in a similar situation. If I can't learn from a manual, I will analyse the examples that are portrayed in the discussion of talented persons. Unfortunately, I did not manage to discover something quite novelistic in these situations which would help me to become funnier. These examples portrayed the same type of jokes I use: lame wordplays, quick punchlines, and overall exaggeration of everyday situations. Thus, I thought maybe you, my readers, would get something out of this real Roman jokes. Please tell me if any of them is extremely funny, so I can learn from it myself.

- Best wishes,

A failed student of the comical art. 

(1) For what kind of support could my brother get any support from Art, when Philippus asked why he barked and he responded: "I see a thief."
Quid enim hic meus frater ab arte adiuvari potuit, cum a Philippo interrogatus quid latraret, furem se videre respondit?

(2) Such as the case, when you, Crassus, hold a speech against Memmius and said that he had eaten a piece of Largus' arm, while he had been fighting with him over some girlfriend. [...] you added also this closing remark: that, in whole Tarrcina, the letters L.L.L.M.M. were inscribed on every wall at that time; thereafter, an old man, some citizen of this town, told you when you asked what this abbreviation meant: "Mordacious Memmius Lacerates Largus' Limb.
[...] ut olim tu, Crasse, in Memmium, comedisse eum lacertum Largi, cum esset cum eo Tarracinae de amicula rixatus. [...] addidisti clausulam: tota Tarracina tum omnibus in parietibus inscriptas fuisse litteras L.L.L.M.M.; cum quaereres id quid esset, senem tibi quendam oppidanum dixisse: lacerat lacertum Largi mordax Memmius.

(3) Another joke taken from things is the one that is derived from a depraved sort of imitation like the same Crassus also exclaimed: "By your nobility, by your family line!" What else was there at which the assembly could laugh except the mimicry of his looks and intonation? "By your statues!" After he had said this and added a little bit of his gesture by extending his arm, we burst into even louder laughter.
In re est item ridiculum, quod ex quadam depravata imitatione sumi solet, ut idem Crassus: "per tuam nobilitatem, per vestram familiam!" Quid aliud fuit in quo contio rideret, nisi illa vultus et vocus imitatio? "Per tuas statuas!" Vero cum dixit et extento bracchio paulum etiam de gestu addidit, vehementius risimus.

(4)  A very small witness came forward. Philippus asked: "Is it alright to question him?" The presiding judge, being in a hurry, replied: "only if it is short." Philippus, then, said: "you will not complain; I shall question a very short person." Quite funny.
Pusillus testis processit. "Licet", inquit, "rogare?" Philippus. Tum quaesitor properans "modo breviter." Hic ille "non accusabis: perpusillum rogabo." Ridicule.

(5) "I will have dinner at your place", he said to an acquaintance of mine, C. Sextius, who has only one eye; "for I see that you still have room for one." This was a scurrilous joke both because he attacked Sextius without reason and still, he said this and because this joke applies to all one-eyed persons; people tend to laugh less at these jokes because they seem to be rehearsed; Sextus' joke, on the contrary, was outstanding and spontaneous: "wash your hands", he said, "and then you may eat."
"Cenabo" inquit "apud te," huic lusco familiari meo, C. Sextio; "uni enim locum esse video." Est hoc scurrile, et quod sine cause lacessivit et tamen id dixit, quod in omnis luscos conveniret; ea, quia meditata putantur esse, minus ridentur: illud egregium Sexti et ex tempore: "manus lava" inquit "et cena."

(6)  For what did Vargula gain by saying, after Aulus Sempronius, a candidate for an office at that time, and his brother Marcus had saluted him: "Boy, get rid of these flies"?
Quid enim est Vargula assecutus, cum eum candidatus A. Sempronius cum M. fratre suo complexus esset "puer, abige muscas"?

Bad impression of the second joke